So here are my thoughts on marraige. Before you read the thoughts below, I wanted to put one disclaimer. Some of the thoughts below, may be felt as offensive especially to the women in the group. But I consider them, as adult mature, women (and not girls) who can think and act as independently as anyone else and so I am sharing the thoughts as it is. Hope the women in the group take it in the same spirit and I am sure they will.

Marraige, brings in a new chapter in life. Your life for the first time becomes shared with someone. Every decision you take, every more you make, becomes a collective action as oppossed to a single point of view you had before the fact. While most of this gets lost in the business of life, this is the underlying tune that plays all through married life in the most subtle way.

While this is the effect of marraige, I think we should think about the cause to understand marraige as a concept. Marraige first of all,is common to all cultures, in the human world. That is a fact that has to be noted, because, while different human cultures evolved seperately and in isolation of each other, the commonality that exists in terms of marraige is remarkable. What it means is that for humans marraige is as necessary as other basic needs such as food, clothing, shelter etc. So what makes it so necessary?
The answer does not lie in the physical plane. While the physical need of sex does exist and is a stronger need sometimes than anything else in a modern society, I think the need for marraige, is not coming from those motivations. Marraige, tends to answer one of the most fundamental questions human beings have. That of completeness and perfection. While perfection is a question answered by the creation of the concept of "GOD" by us, the question of completeness is answered by the concept of marraige.
What then is this completeness? We are humans, have a limited set of vision and mental capabilities. We build a world around us, based on our perceptions of what we have seen. This is what is called our own intelligence. While this on an individual basis is a great amount of knowledge in quantity, as we grow, in terms of the quality and also in terms of vastness it is still limited.
How many of us for example, know every nook and corner of our own city. Leave, city, how many of us know every corner of our own house. I sometimes wonder about this when I discover a new corner on the wall that I have never bothered before to watch and discover.
So from that standpoint, a collective intelligence of another person, extends our capacities to gather intelligence and this is where the fundamental need of marriage arises. So why, does, friendship, not answer this question? The reason is in friendship the stakes are off. You, dont share a collective destiny in friendship, you only share happiness or sadness. The results of your destiny are only felt by you and your partner collectively, who you have tagged along with you due to marraige. This is what makes marraige a collective gathering of intelligence for survival and fulfillment and this is what marraige brings on board.

So while we have analysed the origins of marriage, one thing becomes very clear to us. The fact that marriage is all in the mental plane, and moreover in the spiritual plane. While this may sound as an oxymoron, to die hard catholics or to celbates in the hindu or buddhist faiths, this is the truth. A basic human need is what has culminated as a macroscopic, social phenomena in humans. It cannot be ignored.
So what is it in marraige that helps your spiritual self. Long time back when I got married my friend's father, had told me to think about something that would help me in my new life. He said, "think about the difference between being alone and being lonely!". At first I didnt understand it, and was too busy, thinking about what had just happenned to me ( marraige). But when I went back to my daily life after marraige and was seperated from my wife, at that time due to a business engagement, and stood at the corner of the Niagara falls thinking about her, I understood the statement.
We become lonely by circumstances on a physical plane sometimes. However, being alone is something else. Even if you are among a 1000 people, you will always be alone, since whats in your mind, only you know. And that is what being alone means. When you marry that mindshare is actually shared by another person. He/She shares your most intimate thoughts and if you are lucky and are in a true marraige, everything there is in there. And that being alone in togetherness with someone is what a good marraige is. And that is what the old man was suggesting to me. The teacher had appeared for me long time back, but an unintelligent mind that I was, I needed an experience to know that. An experience that took me away from my wife for a brief period of time and taught me how I needed to be alone in her togetherness.
So, now we are at a stage where we are also defining successful marriage as a concept. But if you ask me, there is no success there, there is marraige and there is no marraige thats all. Successful or failure in marraige is a concept coming out of ignorance. It is what marraige is. It may have lost its significance today, as we are considering other factors, such as height, personality, financial matching, caste, etc etc and complicating the matter actually when choosing our partner. Dont, get me wrong, all these matching make the concept a little bit easier, but I think the fact that we have a choice sometimes complicates it.
Someone a western person, asked Swami Vivekananda, on why arranged marraiges have been a way in the Indian System and why people are not allowed to make their own choices. He replied thus. He said India has been a very socialistic society since ages and that is why. He explained further, stating that if everyone had their own choice, then the best of the lot would get married only leaving the handicapped, the mentally or physically less capable people out of the equation. He said, in our society when elders select couples they select based on the need for everyone to have a marraige making in convenient for everyone to grow spiritually and help each other in the journey no matter what obstacles time and destiny had put in that path.

Wonderful isnt it!!! But what has happenned today. The elders, a group which now, at an individual level, have been reduced to parents of the individual, are either making choices based on their own ego fulfillment or are completely leaving it to the individual, in the name of freedom.

Both have destroyed the spiritual meaning of marraige, which now has been reduced to good sex, DINK couples ( double income no kids), sharing of a gaint EMI for a dream house, or mere existence together, or joining of families for collective wealth share increases or ego fulfillment, without any meaning or goal orientation from it with regards to the marraige itself.

On the choice angle everyone is looking for a partner who dances to the tunes of his/her own silly intellect rather than, preparing oneself to deal with difficulties of a partner in addition to our own difficulties which is what marraige is all about. This is what the choices of partners have become.

This is what marraige has been reduced to. The motivation has changed, thereby not allowing us to take complete benefit of a basic concept. So much, so that some people have chosen not to marry itself or are finding it extremely difficult to finally make the choices when allowed to.

In summary while the definitions have changed, obscuring the fundamental benefits, of marriage and its crucial significance in our lives, we will need to focus back on the basics to benefit from this concept to the maximum.

Some guidelines are therefore stated below, on a practical level as per what my opinion goes:

1) Marraige is acceptance. Accept what you get, deal with it, from the perspective that your partner's mental, physical, intellectual handicaps and needs are now yours too and prepare to deal with it together. While you do so enjoy the ride, since now you have a partner.

2) Communication is the key. Most times, our own needs and motivations are not clear to us, unless we talk about it with someone. Do it. Be talkatative at home, turn the damn tv off and spend specific time to do just this. Believe me it works wonders if you actually make an effort to spend this time. The effort you spend in making up for this time, itself is a joy.

3) When choosing life partners, if you unfortunately had to, choose from a common experience basis. Meaning,how many things among religious beliefs, financial conservativism, the perception of happiness, the perception of sadness do you commonly share with a prospective partner?

4) When you have already tied the knot, leave the thoughts of the choices behind. You, have already gone through them, now its time to live up with point 1 above.

5) Do not make the choice of making yourself angry at any point of time on your partner. Its useless. If you did become angry out of impulse, go ahead and ask for forgiveness shamelessly. You owe it big time, so dont worry about losing your individuality, it doesnt exist without your partner anyways.

6) Understand that the only person in the world who still allows you to be alone is your partner so have immense respect for him/her because of that.

7) Abstain from sex for breif periods of times. It enhances your relationship and makes you feel the need. Do not make sex casual even if its freely available to you without effort due to marraige. Have a reason, a good one to indulge in it and see what difference this makes to your physical and mental well being.

Hope these points stimulate you as much as they do to me daily.

Make marraige a working successful tool, for your spiritual growth. This is not advice its the truth.

Let me know your thoughts as well. I aint the only one married around here dudes and gals. :) !!!